you should have said no.

how do you describe the feeling when you're watching someone you know slowly slip further and further into the horizon, under a giant, flashing neon sign that says, "LOST CAUSE"? how do you describe the feeling of knowing that your friend is unreachable? how do you describe the numbness that occurs when you look in someone's eyes, and you realize that there is nothing left inside of them?

have you ever known anyone who was just so unbearably sad that you actually considered that their suicide attempt might have been justified? is it possible that there are people who are just too sad to live in this world? is it possible that maybe some people are just meant to die young and save themselves?


i'm trying to come to terms with a good friend of mine who recently swallowed an undetermined amount of morphine in an attempt to end it all. i'm trying to understand where they're coming from--i'm making up reasons and creating stories and trying to make everything make sense. i'm trying to grasp the situation entirely, and i'm trying not to be too sad. i don't want to bury my friend--not even in the slightest--but sometimes i feel like this earth is too small for them, anyways.

if i could sit down with them, and they could justify why they feel like they just don't belong among us anymore, i think i could accept it. i really do.

elephants.

"If the elephants have past lives, yet are destined to always remember,
it's no wonder how they scream,
like you and I, they must have some temper.
And I am dreaming of them on the plains, dirtying up their beds,
watching for some kind of rain to cool their hot heads.
And how dare that you send me that card when I'm doing all that I can do.
You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you.
If the tiger shall protect her young, then tell me how did you slip by.
All my instincts have failed me for once -- I must have somehow slept the whole night.

And I am dreaming of them with their kill, tearing it all apart,
blood dripping from their lips, and teeth sinking in too hard.
And how dare that you say you will call, when you know I need some peace of mind..
If you had to take sides with the animals, won't you do it with one who is kind?

If the hawks in the trees need the dead, if you're living you don't stand a chance.
You can lie there and say you are fed, but there are only two ends to this dance.
You can flee with your wounds just in time, or lie there as he feeds,
watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed.

So for those of you falling in love, keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right.
Throw yourself in the midst of danger, but keep one eye open at night. "

- Rachael Yamagata, "Elephants."

which drink did my memory drown in?

new word:
eponymous: (of a person) being the person after whom a literary work, film, etc., is named. / (of a literary work, film, etc.) named after its central character or creator.

she prays to god most every night. and though she swear he doesn't listen, there is hope in her he might.

although messy, sometimes i feel like my bedroom is the best & most inspirational place to be.

give me something to believe in, a breath from the breathing.

i saw jack's mannequin in concert last week for the third time. andrew mcmahon, in all his fucking-rockstar-glory, really brought the music to a real level--that level where you can actually feel the piano and the words getting under your skin, speeding through your veins, connecting straight to your heart. he's a really inspiring man, that andrew--he writes these beautiful pieces of music that make me feel again. really feel.

so i went to this concert, and i danced and jumped and sang really loud during all of my favourite parts in all of my favourite songs. he even played the something corporate gem, "cavanaugh park," which made me swoon and smile and shout really loud as he sang one of my favourite song lyrics of all time -- "man, that kid make fucking up look cool."

but i was especially excited when he played "hammers and strings," probably the most inspirational song i've heard in a while. so, because this blog is supposed to be a source of inspiration for me, i've gotta remind myself to listen to this song when life gets messy.

you should listen to it, too: jack's mannequin, "hammers and strings."

if you were here, oh, what your eyes would say.

let's try this again, shall we?

twentyseven journals later, and i'm still looking for inspiration in all of the wrong places. so i want to bring it all here--new words, new images, new sounds. i want it all to be right here so when i feel the earth spinning too fast, i will know somewhere that can remind me of when the earth turned slowly. and i'll just wait, with my lights turned out again. and i'll also blatantly steal lines from andrew mcmahon to make myself feel better. because it always does.

it's almost one in the morning, and i'm trying to remember the days when i would html-it-up and create layouts like they were going out of style. now i'm using a barely modified template, but it's making me realize that i always cared more about appearances as opposed to the content. i gotta stop that.

there are a lot of things i have to stop: wasting my time playing gem swap II on facebook; wasting time on facebook in general; taking time off work unnecessarily; forgetting who my friends are. the list will continue.

but tonight all i really care about is the new word i learned.

ensconce: to settle securely or snugly / to hide securely.